nohanii: (Default)
Note: This post may be considered TMI for some, but it's my blog and I need to talk about this. If you're uncomfortable with talk about sex, just skip it

I which I ramble... )

Has anyone else had this problem? What did you do about it? What method of BC do you use now? Other than "I'm LGBT so I don't have to worry about it! Haha stupid straight people =P" (I'm looking at YOU, Kelly and Geena!)
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Gabe was in town last week!

I went bowling with Dan last weekend at a place that Gabe and I used to frequent. It was odd being there with a boyfriend who wasn't Gabe. I texted Gabe to tell him that, and he suggested we get coffee soon since he was in the area. We ended up meeting at a new place called Yogurt Village on Wednesday night, so we got froyo (yum, but not as good as YogurtLand) and sat and chatted. Gabe is working on a bunch of original projects and is currently filming his own screenplay called, which he is entering in a bunch of film festivals. If it gets in, and he gets funding, he wants to turn it into a full-length film. Even though he doesn't have any paying gigs right now, he's working in his industry and getting credits for his resume. He's got his shit together, and I'm proud of him for that.

I got cold from eating the froyo and tired of sitting around, so I suggested we go for a walk. We wandered along and ended up at a nearby elementary school where we played around on a playground. We had some good-natured fun before we headed back to Yogurt Village. It was platonic, with only a hint of flirtation. After a good 3 hours together, Gabe had to go home -- he had to drive back down to LA at 4am, so he needed his sleep.

I'm glad I saw him. I enjoy hanging out with him, and I'd like to see him again. Again.
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I just got back from a quick trip to Safeway to pick up some tonic water and cranberry juice for Kelly, since she's ache-y tonight and I'm a GOOD sister, dammit. (Some of the time, at least!) I was at the checkout stand paying for the beverages when I heard, "Catie?" I turned around, and lo and behold, it was Tatian. From high school. As in, the guy who had an insane crush on me during our freshman year. That was nine years ago. Hello there, blast from the past! How are you today?

We exchanged the normal pleasantries -- How are you, I'm fine, Just graduated, Oh really I'm working on my degree(s). You know, standard fare. As we walked out of the store together, he offered to carry my purchases (because nearly 6 liters is heavy?) to be ~nice or ~gentlemanly or whatever, but I'm buff and awesome (hah) so I declined. He asked if we could get coffee and catch up sometime, so we traded phone numbers. I don't have a burning desire to go out with him or anything, but it could be interesting to see how much he's changed and matured since our senior year (god was he immature back then). We'll see how it goes!

So I currently have two guys from my past wanting to get coffee with me sometime soon -- Gabe is in town and he'd like to see me again before he goes back to LA!

nohanii: (Default)
I saw my ex, Gabe, last Sunday night for the first time in nearly 4 years. We both thought it would be super awkward, and thus a short visit. Nope. We pretty much picked up our friendship where we left off years ago. We hung out, drank coffee, walked around, did goofy things, ate yogurt, and sat on a bench to chat more. I am... amazed that it went so well. We left feeling affections for each other that we didn't think were possible after what had happened between us.

I made the mistake of losing track of time (actually I was having so much fun I didn't care what time it was) and got home at 3am. Oops. Dan had declared that he was fine with me seeing him -- he even gave me money to get yogurt with Gabe since I was broke -- but Dan was really upset that I spent such a long time with him and got back so late. Yeah, 6:30pm to 2:30am? 8 hours? Oops. We had a 3am talk. Dan said he feels like this is "only the beginning" and surmised that I want to see Gabe again when I didn't deny it just to placate him.

I can't stop thinking about Gabe. I want to see him again, and soon. I had such a wonderful time with him on Sunday night, it was like no time at all had passed. I don't want to date him, at least not at this point, but I do want to be friends with him again. He's a fun, interesting and amusing person to be around, and I miss him.

But this thing with Gabe has brought issues between me and Dan to light. I'm not happy. Dan can tell. I'm lonely. I only have Dan and my cats for companionship. I'm not happy with my job or where I'm at in life. We've been dating for over 4 1/2 years now -- 5 years this November -- and I feel that we should be moving on to the next stage in our relationship, marriage. Problem is, neither of us want to get married within the next 5 years.

I stopped wearing the Promise ring Dan gave me for our first anniversary awhile back.

Within the last few days, Dan stopped wearing his, too.

I feel like our relationship is winding down. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm looking forward to it, since I'll be free to socialize however I want with whomever I wish. But I'm sad, too. Dan has said that if we break up, we can't be friends. The break up wouldn't be mutual -- he still loves me very much. He wouldn't be able to handle just a friendship until he finds someone he cares for more than he loves me.


Jun. 4th, 2010 12:03 pm
nohanii: (Default)
I just talked to Dan about seeing my ex.

Me: "One of my high school friends moved down here recently. I haven't seen or talked to him in a long time, and we were thinking about getting together to catch up."
Dan: "Okay."
Me: "It's my ex."
Dan: "I know."
Me: "..."

He was acting kind of funny about it. He kept his answers really short and avoided eye contact, which is unusual when we talk. I felt weird about it, so after processing that for a few minutes, I decided to double-check.

Me: "Are you sure?"
Dan: "I trust you." *hug*
Me: "Well we were thinking maybe this weekend while he's in town."
Dan: *shrug* "Okay."

And that was that. Either he truly is okay with it, or he's not but doesn't want to tell me what I can and cannot do. I'm thinking the latter is more likely. I am going to see my ex, and we'll talk over coffee and that will be that. And the fact that nothing happens between my ex and myself will reinforce Dan's trust in me. (Hey, he's seen some of his exes. Granted, they didn't date for very long and they just kind of ran into each other, but I let them talk and didn't drag him away like an insecure nutter.)

Is it just me, or do I sound like a brat?
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While in a very tipsy bordering on drunken state last night, I messaged my ex on Facebook. He replied this morning. He, too, seems to miss me and wants to catch up before I move out of the area. He just IM'ed me saying he's in Orange County today for an audition at 8:30 tonight. Unfortunately, I have work 2 to 7 today and he has an appointment soon, so it didn't work out. He seemed sad about that. We're trying to figure out something for next week, but he doesn't know his schedule yet. Apparently he's shooting something in Long Beach on Sunday and he's trying to work something out for that evening after I get off work.

How do I tell my boyfriend that I want to go off and see my ex-boyfriend sometime soon, alone?

I kind of feel like I'm cheating on Dan. I have no intention or interest in anything beyond catching up with someone who used to be a good friend and a fun person to be around, but still.
nohanii: (Default)
I just messaged my ex-boyfriend on Facebook. I miss him.
nohanii: (Default)
My ex and I dated for nearly a year and a half. We broke up in November of 2005. I haven't seen him since the summer of 2006. There was a time when I truly loved him more than anything, but that was long ago.

I've been having dreams about him more often than not lately and thinking about him most days. My dreams often involve running to him, hugging, and kissing, sometimes more. Sometimes they involve choosing him over Dan. Sometimes there are conversations over what happened between us.

This morning I had several such dreams, or maybe just one convoluted dream. I was in a car with my ex, and we were racing to the beach. It changed, and Dan and I were at some weird outdoor Costco at the beach. Dan was standing in line for something, and I was wandering around a ways off. I somehow knew that my ex was on the beach, and I took off running. I ran through the line, right past Dan, and down to the sand. I found him, but when he turned around after I tapped his shoulder, it was our friend Anthony. Not my ex. It changed, and I was again running across the sand and jumping into the arms of my ex.

It's not that I want to get back together with my ex. I think it's more that I was really happy back then. I had just graduated high school, I was surrounded by friends, and we were in love. Everything was working out well, and I had very few worries. Now everything is different. Nothing is going right, and I'm not happy. I can't say that I am overtly unhappy, more "blah" than anything else really. I guess I just want to revert to times that are long gone.


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