nohanii | Entries tagged with terrible horrible me

Thanksgiving was both fun and a disaster and a half. My Aunt Jan lives up in Washington state, and she came up with the wonderful idea to have Thanksgiving at my parent's new house up there (oh yeah, they bought a house within 20 minutes of Aunt Jan a few months ago; they're trying to rent it out until they can move up). If we went, we would be spending Thanksgiving with Aunt Jan and cousin Kirian for the first time in nearly a decade. I love them both dearly, so it sounds fun, right?

( Wrong )

I hope all of you had a far better Thanksgiving break than I did!

I'm ready to slap Matthew and my mother. Apparently, it's my fault that Matthew's cat didn't get her medication today because I "can't just suddenly stop giving her her meds and expect Matthew to be responsible." Yeah, Mom actually said that. I've been telling him since Day 1 nearly two weeks ago that he needs to be responsible to her medications. That was on the 6th. 11 days later, and he's still leaving it for someone else to do every single morning because he "forgets" or he's "too tired." He only does it in the evening because we hound him to take care of her. We literally have to tell him 5 or 6 times before he does it. It takes 1 minute to give Midnight her medicines, but it turns into a 45 minute long affair because he doesn't take care of it. He's nearly 17 years old, and he can't (or won't) even do this right.

I slept in today until nearly 10am. That's 2 1/2 hours after Matthew left for school. I didn't even think to glance at the medication chart to see if Midnight and Teddy had gotten their morning treatments until after 1pm, and that was when I was busy making myself some lunch. Teddy was done, but Midnight was not. Midnight's supposed to get her meds twice a day, around 8am and 8pm. This was 5 hours past that.

I'm so fed up. When my cat, TJ, was sick and dying, I cared for him round the clock. I gave him baby aspirin and massaged his paralyzed leg. I made sure he was eating. I made sure he was taking care of himself. I stayed with him as much as I could until there was no other choice but to have him put to sleep. Matthew doesn't check to see how Midnight is doing. He doesn't make sure she has her special food. Basically, he doesn't do shit for his cat unless he is yelled at repeatedly.

But somehow, I'm the one being blamed because I "suddenly stopped" giving her her meds without first notifying Matthew. This shouldn't even be an issue. Matthew should automatically assume that it's his responsibility because Midnight is his cat. Especially after I have repeatedly told him that he needs to be responsible for this and not foist it off on me. But no, even after 11 days of saying that, this is still my fault.

Matthew is such a fucking failure. He annoys the hell out of me. I wish he would just grow the fuck up. And Mom? Well she needs to grow a pair of fucking balls start actually being a mother to Matthew instead of this namby-pamby BS she's doing now.

(Dad, by the way, was in the next room. He didn't say anything throughout this whole debacle.)

I saw my ex, Gabe, last Sunday night for the first time in nearly 4 years. We both thought it would be super awkward, and thus a short visit. Nope. We pretty much picked up our friendship where we left off years ago. We hung out, drank coffee, walked around, did goofy things, ate yogurt, and sat on a bench to chat more. I am... amazed that it went so well. We left feeling affections for each other that we didn't think were possible after what had happened between us.

I made the mistake of losing track of time (actually I was having so much fun I didn't care what time it was) and got home at 3am. Oops. Dan had declared that he was fine with me seeing him -- he even gave me money to get yogurt with Gabe since I was broke -- but Dan was really upset that I spent such a long time with him and got back so late. Yeah, 6:30pm to 2:30am? 8 hours? Oops. We had a 3am talk. Dan said he feels like this is "only the beginning" and surmised that I want to see Gabe again when I didn't deny it just to placate him.

I can't stop thinking about Gabe. I want to see him again, and soon. I had such a wonderful time with him on Sunday night, it was like no time at all had passed. I don't want to date him, at least not at this point, but I do want to be friends with him again. He's a fun, interesting and amusing person to be around, and I miss him.

But this thing with Gabe has brought issues between me and Dan to light. I'm not happy. Dan can tell. I'm lonely. I only have Dan and my cats for companionship. I'm not happy with my job or where I'm at in life. We've been dating for over 4 1/2 years now -- 5 years this November -- and I feel that we should be moving on to the next stage in our relationship, marriage. Problem is, neither of us want to get married within the next 5 years.

I stopped wearing the Promise ring Dan gave me for our first anniversary awhile back.

Within the last few days, Dan stopped wearing his, too.

I feel like our relationship is winding down. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm looking forward to it, since I'll be free to socialize however I want with whomever I wish. But I'm sad, too. Dan has said that if we break up, we can't be friends. The break up wouldn't be mutual -- he still loves me very much. He wouldn't be able to handle just a friendship until he finds someone he cares for more than he loves me.

Wow, I've been MIA for a long time. Hi! How are you? Remember me?

Quick overview of the last month:

- I started work the week before Christmas. Basically, I watch dogs all day and clean up after them. It's okay, nothing stellar.

- Christmas was MUCH better this year, though I had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas. We spent Christmas with Dan's family, then headed up north and spent the weekend with mine. No/very limited annoying politics talk this year! That alone made the visit more enjoyable.

- I got a boatload of gifts, most of which were completely awesome. Being poor, I wasn't able to gift much, but I think what I was able to get for others was nice, given my budget.

- Dan saw Sherlocke Holmes WITHOUT ME while I was at work on Christmas. He made it up to me by taking me to see in on New Year's Eve. We got lost on the way home from the mall and ended up on some dark, twisty road in the middle of a forest that we had no idea was there. IT WAS CREEPY. Like, a guy on the side of the road with a bloody axe wouldn't have been out of place. Turns out we made one wrong turn trying to get home. Huh.

- Bright points to getting lost: a) it was hilarious, b) we found a neighborhood that went completely all-out on their Christmas decorations. Literally every house on the block had tons of awesome decorations, and they all had signs out front with The Night Before Christmas captions. Just. Wow. Unfortunately, we didn't have the camera, but we're going to try to find it again next year!

- Dan got a new board game from my parents for Christmas. Anyone ever heard of Settlers of Catan? It's essentially a board game version of Age of Empires, minus the armies. It's a ton of fun, but it seems like one person always gets crushed an unreasonable amount. The last game we played, I wasn't able to do anything. It got to the point where I either had to storm out of the room in a huff, or laugh at my misfortune. I laughed so hard that I cried. Didn't change the game, but I felt better.

- Work has been fine. We use "Cesar Millan's" ("The Dog Whisperer's") methods, otherwise called Dominance Training, to keep the dogs from going too wild. The problem is, I've done some research, and this is an antiquated technique based on a flawed premise and is associated with an increase in canine aggression. I'm trying to find another method that can be used as "crowd control," but so far I haven't come across any real potential alternatives. Any ideas?

- Also, I haven't been getting enough hours. I'm getting 25 hours a week on average, which is barely enough to pay my bills. I'm sending in forms to defer payment on my school loans. I'd rather not, but I would also rather not have only two cents to spare every month. It's just too stressful.

- So, starting on Tuesday, I'm starting the search for another job. I need either a second job that will work with my current job to fill out my schedule more, or one that will give me full-time status (and benefits, pretty please?). It would be really nice if I could find one that paid more than $8 an hour, too. I mean, come on. Hopefully I'll find one where I'm not essentially a janitor. I'm a college graduate with a bachelor's degree, not a high school student. I could have done this job in my sleep as a freshman in high school. I need something more challenging! Or less boring, at the very least.

aaaaaand, we're caught up. So, how's everyone been? Did I miss anything important? Post links here if there's anything you'd particularly like me to read!

"Separation of church and state" is apparently a one-way street. I am so tired of churches screaming foul and making a bunch of noise when there's even the slightest hint -- however factual, exaggerated, or just plain made up -- that "their rights" as a religious organization might be infringed upon(1), then turning around and pushing crap legislation through Congress(2).

Let me get this straight: The government cannot interfere with churches one way or the other, but churches (especially of the Catholic denomination) can interfere with the government all they want? I'm not a religious person in any sense of that word. That said, I am a moral person. I believe in being the best person I can be for the sake of bettering myself and the world around me, not in hopes of getting into heaven or avoiding hellfire. I am generous with my time: I volunteered at the Orange County Zoo until my financial situation forbade the commute, and I am now looking into volunteering at a local animal shelter. I donate to causes: I donate goods to Good Will, food to food banks, and money to organizations. I am a nice, good person. I don't steal things or abuse others. I try my darndest to treat everyone I meet with love and respect. I think I'm doing pretty well for myself and I would appreciate it very much if the church would stop sticking its nose in my business. I am not in a position to take care of a baby at this point, let alone a pregnant me. I have no job, no healthcare, and I can barely pay my rent and utilities every month. There is absolutely no way I could afford all the prenatal care that is "required" nowadays, let alone hospital bills and food, clothes, and toys for a baby. I do everything within my power, short of abstinence, to make sure I won't get pregnant, but if I do, an abortion would be far less costly than everything I just mentioned. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I'd probably say bye-bye to the fetus. Sorry, but that's the reality. I don't need these holier-than-thou types blocking access to what would be pretty much a necessary procedure.

Churches, whether Catholic, Christian, Mormon, Islamic, Buddhist, Hindi, Shinto, Taoist, Wiccan or whathaveyou, do not have a place in making that decision for the masses. Their place lies in mentoring their congregation and guiding them to pick the "right" choice. But no, they're working to take away that choice altogether, and that's not right.

I conclusion, LEAVE YOUR BIBLE OUT OF MY UTERUS.

(1) Most recently, I'm referring to the Prop 8 versus Church fiasco, where churches (most notably Mormon) claimed that they would lose some rights or government funding or some such nonsense if gays were allowed to marry under the law but the church refused to perform the service.
(2) The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops played a large role in forcing the anti-choice abortion Stupak Amendment in the House and released a letter to senators Monday urging passage of Nelson's anti-choice abortion amendment, contending that without it, the bill "violates this moral principle" against federal funding of elective abortions. (Abortion emerges as obstacle in health care debate)

I forgot to mention what else Dan got me for Valentine's Day! Bad, bad me! Bad!!

So, that evening he gave me a necklace with a pendant in the shape of a heart. One half of the heart was simple gold and the other half had rubies. Right before going to sleep, he gave me a beautiful gold chain to replace and old one that I'm afraid of wearing (the old one's so thin I'm afraid of losing the pendant, so it almost never gets worn =/ ). This new chain is sturdier, and it's assembled so that the links make the chain spiral around it's self. It makes the chain sparkly and gorgeous. *sigh* I love him =)

Edit: It's okay, he forgot to give me the rest of my chocolates until Sunday. He filled a heart-shaped tin with two of my favorites, kit-kats and andes.