nohanii | Entries tagged with well now that's depressing

(Part 2 of 2, Part 1 can be found here)

The bad:

I don't remember what I said to broach the subject of birth control. I just remember some of the first words out of my mother's mouth: “You're not pregnant, are you?” “What? No, of course not.” “Not with Dan. Whatever you do, never with Dan. He's not the one for you.”

From there, what was supposed to be a quick chat about birth control turned into a half hour long bash on Dan and my relationship with Dan:

She said that Dan “isn't a man, he's a little boy."
She said we have an unhealthy “enabling” relationship.
She said that Dan is narcissistic, and I'm his codependent.

She distinctly implied that I'm only with Dan for the gifts he gives me.

She basically said I should dump him since he doesn't like washing the dishes.
She compared my relationship with Dan to her failed first marriage to a drunk... who was possibly abusive.

Never mind that Dan is always there when I need him, that he's always willing to help, that he gladly takes care of me when I'm sick. Never mind that Dan is always there to calm me down, prop me up, and catch me when I fall. Never mind that he treats me better than every one else in my life. Never mind that he loves me more than anyone else has before.

Dan has never risen a hand to me in anger. He has no serious vices – he doesn't drink, he's not a crazy partier, he doesn't have any drug or gambling addictions. He is impossibly sweet. He takes care of me. He loves me. He helps me in more ways than I can say. I thought this was how a good relationship was supposed to be?

But no, none of that matters.

What matters is that “he doesn't fit in with the family.” He doesn't do dishes. He didn't cook for me when we lived together. We constantly “enable” each other. He's a mama's boy. His hypoglycemia can make him temperamental. What matters is that we cuddled in front of the fireplace in Washington when I was freezing cold.

I barely fit in with my family;* why would I want him to? He's quiet and reserved, and you've been against him from the get-go. We've reached a compromise – I do dishes and he rubs my constantly aching shoulders. It's win-win. He did cook fairly often, actually, but his days were a lot longer than mine even after I got a job, so I ended up doing most of the cooking while he bought a good 90% of our food because I was dirt poor. Yes, he adores his mother. So what? That translates to how he treats me. How is that a problem? The hypoglycemia is annoying, but he's getting better and we know how to work through it whenever it pops up. I would rather deal with his hypoglycemia than your issues. And, seriously? Cuddling PDA is blacklisted even when I'm freezing cold and he's trying to warm me up?

F.U., Mom.

Oh, and learn what “enable” means. Your stupid is showing.

*Excepting Kelly and Geena – seriously, I luff you guys so hard. I miss you!

I was involved in a 4-car pileup on 880 south this morning. My car is totaled.

Amazingly, all 5 people in the four cars (me, Dan, and the other 3 drivers) are fine. I'm pretty sure I won't be getting my car back, though.

Essentially what happened is, a truck cut off an SUV (car #1) two cars in front of me. #1 may or may not have hit the truck -- I'm not sure because the truck didn't stop with the rest of us. When #1 slammed on its brakes, car #2 tried to stop, but rear-ended it. Nothing major. I, as car #3, managed to stop without hitting #2. I had 1-2 feet of room between the two bumpers. Just as my car was settling from the sudden stop, I was rear-ended by car #4 and pushed into car #2 ahead of me. That momentum caused Dan and I to hit our heads on the headrests, but it was minor. When cars 1 and 2 started pulling over to the side of the road, my car wouldn't go. Dan had to get out and push my car to the shoulder. #4 followed.

Amazingly, no one was angry or yelling. Everyone was calm and worried about everyone else. The driver of #1 got out and went car-to-car to check for injuries. The worst of it was bumped heads and adrenaline shakiness. Two CHP officers arrived and double-checked on everyone. We decided to file an incident report with the CHP, so the officers gathered the drivers' information and took statements. CHP #2 said it didn't look like I was at fault, since car #2 only showed evidence of a single impact. CHP #1 called a tow for me, since I wasn't about to try to drive my car.

We got the car taken to a body shop, where they agreed it would probably be totaled. My passenger-side hood is caved in, the radiator and god knows what else is shoved back towards the cabin, the muffler is knocked out and dragging on the ground, the floor of the trunk is pushed forward and up (again mostly on the passenger side), and there's probably more damage that we couldn't see just from looking at it. You can tell from the damage that car #4 lifted my car from behind when it rear-ended me. After statements were taken and information collected, the other three cars drove off, and I got a tow to an auto body shop, where it is awaiting judgment. The final verdict should come sometime on Monday.

Good news is, a) no one was injured, and b) it still turns on and can be driven. Bad news is, the damage is so extensive that it will more than likely be declared a total loss.

I'm surprised that I'm not more upset about the accident. Since it happened, I've been more... disappointed and sad than angry. This still majorly sucks, though. =/

I'll miss my car.

I saw my ex, Gabe, last Sunday night for the first time in nearly 4 years. We both thought it would be super awkward, and thus a short visit. Nope. We pretty much picked up our friendship where we left off years ago. We hung out, drank coffee, walked around, did goofy things, ate yogurt, and sat on a bench to chat more. I am... amazed that it went so well. We left feeling affections for each other that we didn't think were possible after what had happened between us.

I made the mistake of losing track of time (actually I was having so much fun I didn't care what time it was) and got home at 3am. Oops. Dan had declared that he was fine with me seeing him -- he even gave me money to get yogurt with Gabe since I was broke -- but Dan was really upset that I spent such a long time with him and got back so late. Yeah, 6:30pm to 2:30am? 8 hours? Oops. We had a 3am talk. Dan said he feels like this is "only the beginning" and surmised that I want to see Gabe again when I didn't deny it just to placate him.

I can't stop thinking about Gabe. I want to see him again, and soon. I had such a wonderful time with him on Sunday night, it was like no time at all had passed. I don't want to date him, at least not at this point, but I do want to be friends with him again. He's a fun, interesting and amusing person to be around, and I miss him.

But this thing with Gabe has brought issues between me and Dan to light. I'm not happy. Dan can tell. I'm lonely. I only have Dan and my cats for companionship. I'm not happy with my job or where I'm at in life. We've been dating for over 4 1/2 years now -- 5 years this November -- and I feel that we should be moving on to the next stage in our relationship, marriage. Problem is, neither of us want to get married within the next 5 years.

I stopped wearing the Promise ring Dan gave me for our first anniversary awhile back.

Within the last few days, Dan stopped wearing his, too.

I feel like our relationship is winding down. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm looking forward to it, since I'll be free to socialize however I want with whomever I wish. But I'm sad, too. Dan has said that if we break up, we can't be friends. The break up wouldn't be mutual -- he still loves me very much. He wouldn't be able to handle just a friendship until he finds someone he cares for more than he loves me.

Dan and I have been dating for a long time. 4 1/2 years as of May 28th, in fact.

This relationship has been very hot and cold for me. In the beginning, I loved him more than anything. I cried for joy that he was in my life, and that he loved me and I loved him. He's always been very sweet and loving. He looks forward to my birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary for the excuse they give him to shop for presents for me, because he enjoys seeing me happy. He's been known to find gifts 3 and sometimes even 6 months in advance--he once bought tickets for Wicked a full 6 months before our anniversary. He's always more than willing to take care of me when I'm sick. He'll make me soup and fetch things from the store and help me if I'm feeling too weak, or carry me if my feet are too painful. He enjoys spending time with me. We've taken jiu jitsu, academic classes, and numerous dance classes together, where we are each other's favorite partners. He is truly a joy to dance with because he puts effort into it and is a good lead with a fine sense of rhythm. He's brilliant and willingly helped me when I was stuck in a tough class. He believes in me even when I don't and gently encourages me to be all that I can be. He can be goofy and he makes me laugh often.

But he doesn't care for music, though he plays Rock Band, played guitar, and is teaching himself how to play piano. He doesn't like parties because they're full of noisy people and loud music. He doesn't drink because he doesn't like it and he's hypoglycemic, so it's not good for him. He doesn't care for going out on the town at night because he's afraid something will happen, even if it's in a fairly safe neighborhood.

So I visit my friends without him, because I don't think they'll mix. I went to parties with my college roommate, but never with him since it's not his scene. So I listen to music on my computer, but less often and at a lower volume than I otherwise might if he enjoyed it too. So I don't drink at home because it's no fun to drink alone; I always feel like an alcoholic if I do. So we sit at home more often than not, and watch shows on hulu or movies from Netflix and cuddle; we rarely do anything more.

I don't have a network of friends like I have in the past because I allowed myself to get too wrapped up in this relationship to the exclusion of everything else except academics. It's an unhealthy habit, but it's not the first time this has happened. I got too involved right off the bat and forgot to make other friends, and by the time I felt the lack, it seemed that I'd forgotten how. Dan is a good person, but I feel like something is missing, like we've grown old and boring before our time.

He loves me, possibly more than anyone ever has in the past. I have loved him, more than I thought possible, but... now I don't. I don't feel anything but friendship at this point. I still care for him deeply, and I want him to be happy. It's not fair for him to be stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't return his feelings in kind.

I think this relationship is over.