nohanii: (Default)
As promised, why I am on hiatus:

A month or so ago, my parents sat all of us "kids" (me; my siblings Kelly, Nick and Matthew; plus Geena and Dan (who was still living here at the time)) down for a talk. Essentially, due to ongoing drama with me eldest sister Cindy, we were all effectively being cut off -- we are expected to pay for our own cell phones, car insurance, gas, etc. They want us to be independent and want to avoid a repeat of Cindy, who uses them as a crutch every time she falls in a hole and never pays them back even though she swears she will. After that announcement, they spoke with me and Nick individually to help us decide what to do with our lives and how, and with Matt to figure out what to do with him (he's still in high school). Kelly and Geena went back to their apartment to talk things over between themselves and come up with a game plan for their future, too.

I'd been weighing my different options all summer. I'm interested in health and I adore neurobiology. I'd considered going into veterinary medicine, psychology, psychiatry, neurology, and going to graduate school to earn a Ph.D. in neurobiology. I've thought about the requirements, the work involved, the approximate time required, and the duties and onerous tasks involved in each line of work. I've decided that studying for an M.D. in neurology is most suited to my interests and abilities.

Since the evening, I have been applying for nearly any neurobiology research laboratory that I could find (currently looking at Stanford, UCSF is up next). I've looked up the requirements for medical school. And I've started studying for the nightmare entrance examination, the MCAT.

So, the MCAT is consuming my life right now and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. I plan to take the exam in February. Hopefully I will do well enough the first time so I won't have to take it again. I'm aiming for 13's across the board -- biology, physical sciences (physics and chemistry), and verbal reasoning -- and a good score on the essay portion, too. If I manage to get 13s, I should be able to get into a really good medical school. Like, Stanford-level good. Even if I miss the mark and get all 11's, I should still get into a good school, maybe UCLA?

Aside from all that madness, I need to find doctors that will let me shadow them for a few months. I should find somewhere to volunteer and take part in extracurricular activities that I personally enjoy. I'm thinking dancing, or rock climbing, or a sport like soccer or lacrosse in addition to my photography/art and learning Italian.
nohanii: (Default)
Holy crap I don't think I've ever been this close to flipping out over this.

I went off birth control toward the end of February due to my financial situation and lack of health insurance, but we've still been practicing safe sex. Dan brought up last Saturday night as we were cuddling in bed that it had been quite awhile since I'd had it, but I don't clearly remember the last time I had my period. I know it was just ending on a Friday/Saturday that we went to Dan's parents' house. That would be either Easter weekend or two weekends before that for Tatiana's birthday. We couldn't pinpoint it better than either of the two weekends. So, four to six weeks ago. I'm used to it coming every four weeks like clockwork, either Sunday night or Monday morning, for the last five years. It was either coming up right on time, or it was two weeks late. It was that "two weeks late" part that we were concerned about. I'd meant to keep track of my periods after coming off birth control, but it kept slipping my mind, so now we have this great big question mark hanging over our heads to deal with.

Sunday came and went with no sign of it. Monday too. Days passed with no clue that it would be coming anytime, and we grew more concerned with each passing hour. Finally, on Wednesday Dan brought up the possibility of buying a home pregnancy test. I didn't want to because I was terrified of seeing a + or two lines or a big bold PREGNANT glaring up at me. Scenarios were running through my head of what I would do if I was. That's as far as I got, I couldn't bring myself to say or even think that terrible "P" word. What would I do if I took the test and it came back positive? I can't have a baby, not right now. I barely have $200 in the bank. I'm only 22. I'm trying to get a better job, and go back to school. I'm not ready to give up my life for a tiny, insistent human life. I can't even afford a dog. I could get an abortion, but I'd feel terrible even if I caught it this early. I could keep it and give it up for adoption, but I have no insurance and wouldn't be able to afford the routine check ups, not to mention anything that might pop up if something went wrong. That and I'd feel horrible having a kid out there that I didn't know. I'd feel awful thinking about how he might feel unwanted because I gave him up. All of this ran through my head in a jumbled mess in about twelve seconds.

Dan insisted that he would feel better knowing, no matter which way it turned out. At least we'd know. I knew I would stay up worrying if it came back positive, but I'd probably be able to sleep not knowing. I agreed to get the test for his peace of mind. I made him take us to the store in his car, since he had our reserved spot. I felt horribly awkward standing in the aisle staring at the pregnancy tests, trying to decide which one to get. We grabbed a First Response two-pack, since it's supposed to be able to tell within only four days of your missed period. We also got some corn on the cob. Yumm.

Of course, I'd already peed just before deciding to go to the store, so I had to drink a bunch of water while we tried to distract ourselves watching Glee. It worked, but only until the next commercial break. Damn. I finally peed on the damn stick (that was awkward) and left it in the bathroom to develop for a few minutes. Dan and I distracted ourselves more. Five minutes later, we checked the test. One line. Negative. Not pregnant. Thank god.

Of course, my period started trickling in on Thursday and came full-force on Friday. All that worrying and hand wringing and avoidance that could have just been ignored and resolved with a few more days of "wait-and-see."

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Catherine

August 2011

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