Ambivalent

[nohanii]

I'm happy, but I'm not.
I like the direction my life is headed, but I feel like I need to do more.
I love reading, but I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time.
I want to get out and do more, but I don't know what. 
I'm confident in myself, but... (exactly).
I want to meet more people, but I'm too afraid to say "hi."
I know I'm smart, but I've been feeling so stupid lately.

I am content, even happy, most of the time, but then there are times when I feel pretty much worthless and I hate myself for whatever it is that I perceive I should have done better. There are times when I know that I am a stupid shit and I can't believe I'm wasting my time at college. There are times that I HATE my body, when I feel fat and ugly and I just want to hide in my apartment all day. There are times that I know my boyfriend loves me so much, and all I can do is wonder why.  Then there are those times when I realize how lucky I am to have a roof over my head, food on my table, and love in my heart. I look at Dan and I love him so much that it literally hurts. When I'm lonely, my cat cheers me up with her antics and adorableness. All in all, my life is good. Even knowing this, I still get bouts of terrible unhappiness that I can't explain. 

Comments

[honeystix.livejournal.com]

I don't know. A lot of the time I feel... blah. I feel like I have a lot of the symptoms of depression, except for being unreasonably sad. I'm not normally happy anymore, but I'm not sad either. My emotions seem to be blunted. I have a really hard time getting anything done. It's hard for me to focus on schoolwork for any real length of time. When I do my physics homework, I get frustrated and upset really easily, and I end up lashing out at Dan. I don't feel like cooking, I don't really feel like eating. If the scale at the gym is at all accurate, I may have lost nearly 8 pounds in a week. I don't have tons of energy. I know there are things that I need to do (such as applying for jobs, etc) but I can't seem to make myself get up and do it. This summer, I read 11 books, each 400-800ish pages long. Since I've finished those, I've been watching Buffy. I don't really want to do anything that has anything to do with real life -- I'd rather bury myself in something fictional. My libido has taken a nosedive through the fucking floor. I have _always_ had some level of interest in sex, but now... I just don't want it. At all. And that kind of makes me sad. I only have a hard time getting out of bed because I generally don't get enough sleep (because I'm up all night reading or watching Buffy or doing something else non-real life related).

Based on that, do you think I'm depressed?

(And hehee, C1. Does that make me C2?)