(no subject)

[nohanii]

 

My father and I have a complicated relationship.

When I was two years old, Dad went on a business trip. My parents decided not to tell me what was going on; they figured it would only upset me to say, “Daddy's going away for a few days.”When he got back a week or so later, I was beyond upset. I wouldn't kiss him, hug him, talk to him, or even look at him. Mom finally got me to talk, and it was then that they realized that I thought that my daddy had abandoned me! After that incident, they explained the situation whenever he had another business trip so I wouldn't feel “abandoned” again.

In elementary school, we had a good relationship. I remember playing with him at home: I got “horsey” rides, we played “airplane,” he dragged me around while I clutched his ankle with a sibling (Kelly or Nick) clung to the other. We used to go on bike rides, chase each other around the park, and play catch. He rescued me from school when I dislocated my thumb playing handball. All in all, he was around and actively involved in my life.

I played youth soccer throughout middle school and into early high school. Dad made every game. Maybe it was only because my games were on weekends and were close to home; I don't know. I was just happy that he came. Sometimes Dad, a sibling and I would play Age of Empires together. I think we usually teamed up against a bunch of computer players, though we would fight each other, too. We lived in a house with a pool in the backyard, so my siblings and I would go swimming very often during the summers. It was not too unusual for Dad (and Mom) to join us and play Marco Polo or The Deep End Game (Marco Polo without the “Marco” and “Polo”).

By high school, he had basically disappeared. Sure, he came home every night and participated in our family dinners, but he isolated himself. He spent most of his time at home playing Age of Empires on the computer, or sequestered away from us, reading the newspaper in his bedroom or bathroom. In my three seasons of playing water polo, I can only remember him coming to my games once, and then only because it was a weekend tournament (and I'm pretty sure Mom made him take me). He drove me down to Hollister (about an hour and a half from home). I remember him turning to me and saying, “Does it “<i>feel</i> like you're going 100 miles an hour?” He'd just gotten his new Acura and was still getting used to it after having his old Pontiac Bonneville for ages. When we arrived, I left to get changed and warm up with my team. We played a game or two, then during a long break between games Dad and I hunted down a Chinese restaurant with his new on-board GPS. We had a long lunch and bonded, then it was time to get back to the games. I honestly don't remember how the tournament turned out; I was just happy that my dad was there to share the day with me. I had fun with him that day and I cherish the memory. I only wish I had more like it.

I did well in high school, I'm not going to deny it. I got good grades and made the top small percent of my class, mostly without even really trying. I was on the swim team for a year and I played water polo for three seasons, then I had my shoulder surgery which made me unable to play the last season. I got my first job during my sophomore year – lifeguarding at a local swim and tennis club. I filled my extra time with drawing and reading novels. I hung out with good people and stayed out of trouble. I didn't even start drinking until after my 18^th birthday, right before going to college, and even then I was good about it. To this day I've never smoked a cigarette, tried pot, or done any hard core drug. I won't even smoke hooka.

I cannot remember a single time when my dad actually said he was proud of me. Even after making Principal's List much more often than not, or earning the All-League Award and Most Valuable Player awards for water polo. I remember him sitting there looking bored during the award ceremonies. I remember working really hard on an extra credit art project for junior's English. More than 10 hours of work in two days. I was proud of it, so I showed him the finished piece when he got home from work. Do you know what he said about it? “Kelly got an 800 on her verbal SAT.” That's it. I remember working on a school logo for my art class and finding out that my logo had been chosen to represent the school at the next Blue and Gold Auction. I remember receiving a check for one hundred dollars. I don't remember my dad saying anything about it.

I don't even remember him telling me he loved me very often.

Basically, I didn't really feel like I had a dad. I usually left for school before he got up in the morning, he got back after dinner more often than not. I only had a few short hours with him every day, but during those hours he was either paying bills, playing games, or hiding from the rest of the family, and I was either doing homework, watching TV, or sleeping on especially tiring days. He was almost a stranger, just a man that lived in the same house. I always went to my mom when I had problems, when I needed a ride, or when I asked permission to do something.

Then I graduated. I moved away, moved to college. I don't know how it happened, but our relationship started to improve. It might have been the job change resulted in less depression, or the fact that Nick told him off for what a terrible father he was, or just the fact that I wasn't around. I think it started with the advent of college. I kept him in the loop, and called him with my admissions results as soon as I heard from the colleges. I got in to all five that I applied to. He made the trip with me and Mom when we made went to check out UCSB, UCI and SD State. He told me stories about his college experience, even showed me his old apartment and college campus when we visited Berkeley. Yelling “Naps!” soon became an inside joke for us. Then he started telling me how proud he was of me – it used to be that only Mom did that. I received a note from my parents after I was inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society:

12/7/2008

“Hello, Catie!

Here is a copy of the confirmation note for enrollment in the Golden Key International Honour Society. We are immensely proud of how well you have handled the challenges of university level education. You have consistently risen up and worked so hard to do your best in some classes which were very difficult. You are, and deserve to be, commended for your diligence. You also deserve and have earned my personal respect for you for not only being a fine daughter but also because you are an excellent example of what a person can achieve thru hard work and dedication. You were a very good student thru all your school years and developed great study skills. They have paid off for you in spades! I wish more people would take their education seriously – you may find the future rocky due to the economy but you have a secure foundation which no one can take away, diminish or ignore. Wow. -Remember, though, that I have always loved you – to watch you grow & succeed in your life is a source of admiration and awe! Amazing daughter you are, Catherine!

Love,

Mom”

“Hi Catie – I am so very proud of your achievements, from all-league water polo to your high school grades to your UCI achievements. Your GPA is higher than mine! You have the skills, education and talent to do whatever you want to do. More than that you are a wonderful young lady and a terrific daughter. I've always marveled at how you focus on something – school, athletics, art – and you do it and do it well. I love you very, very much.

Love, Dad”

Throughout my life, Mom has always been sure to support me and tell me how very proud she is of my accomplishments, and to encourage me when I falter. Dad? I barely even heard boo from Dad for years, except that what I did was either not interesting or not good enough. In the past few years, that has changed. He's proud of me and impressed with my accomplishments. Academically, at least. He's more open with me than he's ever been before. I recently announced my intentions to come home for a visit in a weekend or two. He immediately launched into plans for what we should do together that weekend: “maybe target shooting or the beach, definitely a BBQ.” He's so excited that I'm coming home, that I made sure to plan this trip for a weekend that he'll be there, and that I specifically want to do something with him.

I'm still far more at ease with Mom. I can talk to her about anything, anytime. Well, as much as anyone can with a parent. I feel strange calling my dad to ask for rent money, or to ask advice on a particular situation. Even with our improved relationship, Dad and I still don't have grand conversations, but that's probably just his personality. (It drives Mom insane.)

I've always loved my dad and I always will. I'm just finally feeling like he really does love me, too.

Comments

[moxymojo.livejournal.com]

that's great. the first half of your life with your dad reminds me of me and mine.

also, sorry about the $ issue. have you tried fast food and retail places too?

[sensorium.livejournal.com]

Aw, I'm really glad things improved for you. Things have been SO much better between me and my parents once I moved out. For the first time in along time I feel like we're finally getting along.