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I saw my ex, Gabe, last Sunday night for the first time in nearly 4 years. We both thought it would be super awkward, and thus a short visit. Nope. We pretty much picked up our friendship where we left off years ago. We hung out, drank coffee, walked around, did goofy things, ate yogurt, and sat on a bench to chat more. I am... amazed that it went so well. We left feeling affections for each other that we didn't think were possible after what had happened between us.

I made the mistake of losing track of time (actually I was having so much fun I didn't care what time it was) and got home at 3am. Oops. Dan had declared that he was fine with me seeing him -- he even gave me money to get yogurt with Gabe since I was broke -- but Dan was really upset that I spent such a long time with him and got back so late. Yeah, 6:30pm to 2:30am? 8 hours? Oops. We had a 3am talk. Dan said he feels like this is "only the beginning" and surmised that I want to see Gabe again when I didn't deny it just to placate him.

I can't stop thinking about Gabe. I want to see him again, and soon. I had such a wonderful time with him on Sunday night, it was like no time at all had passed. I don't want to date him, at least not at this point, but I do want to be friends with him again. He's a fun, interesting and amusing person to be around, and I miss him.

But this thing with Gabe has brought issues between me and Dan to light. I'm not happy. Dan can tell. I'm lonely. I only have Dan and my cats for companionship. I'm not happy with my job or where I'm at in life. We've been dating for over 4 1/2 years now -- 5 years this November -- and I feel that we should be moving on to the next stage in our relationship, marriage. Problem is, neither of us want to get married within the next 5 years.

I stopped wearing the Promise ring Dan gave me for our first anniversary awhile back.

Within the last few days, Dan stopped wearing his, too.

I feel like our relationship is winding down. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm looking forward to it, since I'll be free to socialize however I want with whomever I wish. But I'm sad, too. Dan has said that if we break up, we can't be friends. The break up wouldn't be mutual -- he still loves me very much. He wouldn't be able to handle just a friendship until he finds someone he cares for more than he loves me.
nohanii: (Default)
Dan bought us tickets to see the premier of Iron Man 2 at midnight at the Arclight Theater in Hollywood. This is supposed to be a fancy-schmancy theater more on the level of play-theater than your average cinema. Our tickets were for the 12:01 am showing in the third row of "The Dome," which had a large screen and great sound. 

We left the apartment just before 10 pm so we would make it to Hollywood with time to spare. I realized about 8 minutes after we left that I had forgotten my camera, but figured that it didn't matter overly-much since we were just seeing a (highly anticipated) movie.

Boy was I wrong. )

And now, bedtime. I have a busy busy weekend ahead of me, but I don't know if I can sleep!!!
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Holy crap I don't think I've ever been this close to flipping out over this.

I went off birth control toward the end of February due to my financial situation and lack of health insurance, but we've still been practicing safe sex. Dan brought up last Saturday night as we were cuddling in bed that it had been quite awhile since I'd had it, but I don't clearly remember the last time I had my period. I know it was just ending on a Friday/Saturday that we went to Dan's parents' house. That would be either Easter weekend or two weekends before that for Tatiana's birthday. We couldn't pinpoint it better than either of the two weekends. So, four to six weeks ago. I'm used to it coming every four weeks like clockwork, either Sunday night or Monday morning, for the last five years. It was either coming up right on time, or it was two weeks late. It was that "two weeks late" part that we were concerned about. I'd meant to keep track of my periods after coming off birth control, but it kept slipping my mind, so now we have this great big question mark hanging over our heads to deal with.

Sunday came and went with no sign of it. Monday too. Days passed with no clue that it would be coming anytime, and we grew more concerned with each passing hour. Finally, on Wednesday Dan brought up the possibility of buying a home pregnancy test. I didn't want to because I was terrified of seeing a + or two lines or a big bold PREGNANT glaring up at me. Scenarios were running through my head of what I would do if I was. That's as far as I got, I couldn't bring myself to say or even think that terrible "P" word. What would I do if I took the test and it came back positive? I can't have a baby, not right now. I barely have $200 in the bank. I'm only 22. I'm trying to get a better job, and go back to school. I'm not ready to give up my life for a tiny, insistent human life. I can't even afford a dog. I could get an abortion, but I'd feel terrible even if I caught it this early. I could keep it and give it up for adoption, but I have no insurance and wouldn't be able to afford the routine check ups, not to mention anything that might pop up if something went wrong. That and I'd feel horrible having a kid out there that I didn't know. I'd feel awful thinking about how he might feel unwanted because I gave him up. All of this ran through my head in a jumbled mess in about twelve seconds.

Dan insisted that he would feel better knowing, no matter which way it turned out. At least we'd know. I knew I would stay up worrying if it came back positive, but I'd probably be able to sleep not knowing. I agreed to get the test for his peace of mind. I made him take us to the store in his car, since he had our reserved spot. I felt horribly awkward standing in the aisle staring at the pregnancy tests, trying to decide which one to get. We grabbed a First Response two-pack, since it's supposed to be able to tell within only four days of your missed period. We also got some corn on the cob. Yumm.

Of course, I'd already peed just before deciding to go to the store, so I had to drink a bunch of water while we tried to distract ourselves watching Glee. It worked, but only until the next commercial break. Damn. I finally peed on the damn stick (that was awkward) and left it in the bathroom to develop for a few minutes. Dan and I distracted ourselves more. Five minutes later, we checked the test. One line. Negative. Not pregnant. Thank god.

Of course, my period started trickling in on Thursday and came full-force on Friday. All that worrying and hand wringing and avoidance that could have just been ignored and resolved with a few more days of "wait-and-see."
nohanii: (Default)
Wow, I've been MIA for a long time. Hi! How are you? Remember me?

Quick overview of the last month:

- I started work the week before Christmas. Basically, I watch dogs all day and clean up after them. It's okay, nothing stellar.

- Christmas was MUCH better this year, though I had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas. We spent Christmas with Dan's family, then headed up north and spent the weekend with mine. No/very limited annoying politics talk this year! That alone made the visit more enjoyable.

- I got a boatload of gifts, most of which were completely awesome. Being poor, I wasn't able to gift much, but I think what I was able to get for others was nice, given my budget.

- Dan saw Sherlocke Holmes WITHOUT ME while I was at work on Christmas. He made it up to me by taking me to see in on New Year's Eve. We got lost on the way home from the mall and ended up on some dark, twisty road in the middle of a forest that we had no idea was there. IT WAS CREEPY. Like, a guy on the side of the road with a bloody axe wouldn't have been out of place. Turns out we made one wrong turn trying to get home. Huh.

- Bright points to getting lost: a) it was hilarious, b) we found a neighborhood that went completely all-out on their Christmas decorations. Literally every house on the block had tons of awesome decorations, and they all had signs out front with The Night Before Christmas captions. Just. Wow. Unfortunately, we didn't have the camera, but we're going to try to find it again next year!

- Dan got a new board game from my parents for Christmas. Anyone ever heard of Settlers of Catan? It's essentially a board game version of Age of Empires, minus the armies. It's a ton of fun, but it seems like one person always gets crushed an unreasonable amount. The last game we played, I wasn't able to do anything. It got to the point where I either had to storm out of the room in a huff, or laugh at my misfortune. I laughed so hard that I cried. Didn't change the game, but I felt better.

- Work has been fine. We use "Cesar Millan's" ("The Dog Whisperer's") methods, otherwise called Dominance Training, to keep the dogs from going too wild. The problem is, I've done some research, and this is an antiquated technique based on a flawed premise and is associated with an increase in canine aggression. I'm trying to find another method that can be used as "crowd control," but so far I haven't come across any real potential alternatives. Any ideas?

- Also, I haven't been getting enough hours. I'm getting 25 hours a week on average, which is barely enough to pay my bills. I'm sending in forms to defer payment on my school loans. I'd rather not, but I would also rather not have only two cents to spare every month. It's just too stressful.

- So, starting on Tuesday, I'm starting the search for another job. I need either a second job that will work with my current job to fill out my schedule more, or one that will give me full-time status (and benefits, pretty please?). It would be really nice if I could find one that paid more than $8 an hour, too. I mean, come on. Hopefully I'll find one where I'm not essentially a janitor. I'm a college graduate with a bachelor's degree, not a high school student. I could have done this job in my sleep as a freshman in high school. I need something more challenging! Or less boring, at the very least.

aaaaaand, we're caught up. So, how's everyone been? Did I miss anything important? Post links here if there's anything you'd particularly like me to read!
nohanii: (Default)
I have been wanting cake ALL DAY. Seriously, since I was talking to my parents on the phone late last night when they walked in and found that Kelly had made my mom a birthday cake while they were gone this weekend. Sweet, moist vanilla cake, chocolate cake, carrot cake, that birthday cake with the melty candy things baked into it with fudgy, vanilla, chocolate or pretty much any other kind of icing.... Cupcakes would definitely work, heck even brownies and donuts are close enough.

Claudian, part B of my apartment's management team, stopped by today. He said "Happy Thanksgiving!" and thrust a pie at me. Stunned, I said "oh, thank you?" (because let's face it, how often does that happen?) and took it. It was a pumpkin pie.

I wanted cake... and I got pie.

I think the Universe is laughing at me.

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Catherine

August 2011

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