nohanii: (Default)
Note: This post may be considered TMI for some, but it's my blog and I need to talk about this. If you're uncomfortable with talk about sex, just skip it

I which I ramble... )

Has anyone else had this problem? What did you do about it? What method of BC do you use now? Other than "I'm LGBT so I don't have to worry about it! Haha stupid straight people =P" (I'm looking at YOU, Kelly and Geena!)
nohanii: (Default)
I saw my ex, Gabe, last Sunday night for the first time in nearly 4 years. We both thought it would be super awkward, and thus a short visit. Nope. We pretty much picked up our friendship where we left off years ago. We hung out, drank coffee, walked around, did goofy things, ate yogurt, and sat on a bench to chat more. I am... amazed that it went so well. We left feeling affections for each other that we didn't think were possible after what had happened between us.

I made the mistake of losing track of time (actually I was having so much fun I didn't care what time it was) and got home at 3am. Oops. Dan had declared that he was fine with me seeing him -- he even gave me money to get yogurt with Gabe since I was broke -- but Dan was really upset that I spent such a long time with him and got back so late. Yeah, 6:30pm to 2:30am? 8 hours? Oops. We had a 3am talk. Dan said he feels like this is "only the beginning" and surmised that I want to see Gabe again when I didn't deny it just to placate him.

I can't stop thinking about Gabe. I want to see him again, and soon. I had such a wonderful time with him on Sunday night, it was like no time at all had passed. I don't want to date him, at least not at this point, but I do want to be friends with him again. He's a fun, interesting and amusing person to be around, and I miss him.

But this thing with Gabe has brought issues between me and Dan to light. I'm not happy. Dan can tell. I'm lonely. I only have Dan and my cats for companionship. I'm not happy with my job or where I'm at in life. We've been dating for over 4 1/2 years now -- 5 years this November -- and I feel that we should be moving on to the next stage in our relationship, marriage. Problem is, neither of us want to get married within the next 5 years.

I stopped wearing the Promise ring Dan gave me for our first anniversary awhile back.

Within the last few days, Dan stopped wearing his, too.

I feel like our relationship is winding down. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm looking forward to it, since I'll be free to socialize however I want with whomever I wish. But I'm sad, too. Dan has said that if we break up, we can't be friends. The break up wouldn't be mutual -- he still loves me very much. He wouldn't be able to handle just a friendship until he finds someone he cares for more than he loves me.
nohanii: (Default)
Dan and I have been dating for a long time. 4 1/2 years as of May 28th, in fact.

This relationship has been very hot and cold for me. In the beginning, I loved him more than anything. I cried for joy that he was in my life, and that he loved me and I loved him. He's always been very sweet and loving. He looks forward to my birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary for the excuse they give him to shop for presents for me, because he enjoys seeing me happy. He's been known to find gifts 3 and sometimes even 6 months in advance--he once bought tickets for Wicked a full 6 months before our anniversary. He's always more than willing to take care of me when I'm sick. He'll make me soup and fetch things from the store and help me if I'm feeling too weak, or carry me if my feet are too painful. He enjoys spending time with me. We've taken jiu jitsu, academic classes, and numerous dance classes together, where we are each other's favorite partners. He is truly a joy to dance with because he puts effort into it and is a good lead with a fine sense of rhythm. He's brilliant and willingly helped me when I was stuck in a tough class. He believes in me even when I don't and gently encourages me to be all that I can be. He can be goofy and he makes me laugh often.

But he doesn't care for music, though he plays Rock Band, played guitar, and is teaching himself how to play piano. He doesn't like parties because they're full of noisy people and loud music. He doesn't drink because he doesn't like it and he's hypoglycemic, so it's not good for him. He doesn't care for going out on the town at night because he's afraid something will happen, even if it's in a fairly safe neighborhood.

So I visit my friends without him, because I don't think they'll mix. I went to parties with my college roommate, but never with him since it's not his scene. So I listen to music on my computer, but less often and at a lower volume than I otherwise might if he enjoyed it too. So I don't drink at home because it's no fun to drink alone; I always feel like an alcoholic if I do. So we sit at home more often than not, and watch shows on hulu or movies from Netflix and cuddle; we rarely do anything more.

I don't have a network of friends like I have in the past because I allowed myself to get too wrapped up in this relationship to the exclusion of everything else except academics. It's an unhealthy habit, but it's not the first time this has happened. I got too involved right off the bat and forgot to make other friends, and by the time I felt the lack, it seemed that I'd forgotten how. Dan is a good person, but I feel like something is missing, like we've grown old and boring before our time.

He loves me, possibly more than anyone ever has in the past. I have loved him, more than I thought possible, but... now I don't. I don't feel anything but friendship at this point. I still care for him deeply, and I want him to be happy. It's not fair for him to be stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't return his feelings in kind.

I think this relationship is over.

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Catherine

August 2011

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