Jun. 4th, 2010 12:03 pm
nohanii: (Default)
I just talked to Dan about seeing my ex.

Me: "One of my high school friends moved down here recently. I haven't seen or talked to him in a long time, and we were thinking about getting together to catch up."
Dan: "Okay."
Me: "It's my ex."
Dan: "I know."
Me: "..."

He was acting kind of funny about it. He kept his answers really short and avoided eye contact, which is unusual when we talk. I felt weird about it, so after processing that for a few minutes, I decided to double-check.

Me: "Are you sure?"
Dan: "I trust you." *hug*
Me: "Well we were thinking maybe this weekend while he's in town."
Dan: *shrug* "Okay."

And that was that. Either he truly is okay with it, or he's not but doesn't want to tell me what I can and cannot do. I'm thinking the latter is more likely. I am going to see my ex, and we'll talk over coffee and that will be that. And the fact that nothing happens between my ex and myself will reinforce Dan's trust in me. (Hey, he's seen some of his exes. Granted, they didn't date for very long and they just kind of ran into each other, but I let them talk and didn't drag him away like an insecure nutter.)

Is it just me, or do I sound like a brat?
nohanii: (Default)
I finally messaged my ex-roommates about the security deposit. I've been sitting on it for some time now, and I really need to get it taken care of. I know I copped out by messaging them on Facebook, but I abhor interacting with Pauline. Hopefully we'll get this over with without a *fuss by Tuesday, if not earlier.

*I'm afraid one or the other will cry foul because they're getting so little of the deposit back. Of the $900 initial deposit ($600 security and $300 pet deposit), we got $705 back. None was taken out of the pet deposit, so I get the full $300 back. That leaves $405 to be split between the three of us. I had to pay a bunch of bills for that apartment for which I've seen no money from them, so that deducts $55 each from their shares. That leaves each of them with about $80, and me with just over $545. I really should charge them for the 1 1/2 hours that Dan and I spent cleaning out the apartment after they moved out -- they didn't clean anything at all and they left a staggering amount of food behind. They didn't even take out the bag of trash! They just left it sitting in the kitchen. Dan and I cleaned out all the cabinets of the food and other miscellaneous items left behind, took out the trash, vacuumed the whole apartment, and wiped down all the surfaces. Really, I should fine them each $50 for my time (leaving them with $30 each and me with $645, for those of you keeping score at home), but I think that would just cause more problems, so it doesn't exactly feel like it would be worth it. I really could use the extra $100, though.

nohanii: (Default)
I just got back from my "triage" appointment at the Student Health Center. I have been tentatively diagnosed with both social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder. I will be seeing a therapist as soon as an appointment becomes available. 

I'm scared witless of confrontations. I avoid them if at all possible, either by not speaking to the person or by trying to make a one-sided fix to the problem. Anytime I absolutely must confront anyone (even in the nicest, most non-confrontational way I can think of), I get jittery, my heart starts to race. Afterwards, my heart pounds away like I've just been running, I sometimes get dizzy, and my breathing gets more rapid, like my body can't get enough oxygen. It takes me awhile to get over the anxiety of the confrontation. This happens over things as simple as Pauline eating my food, and I hate it. 

I avoid things. When I had to call the zoo to notify them that I could start volunteering, I put it off for three months. Three months. When I finally made myself do it, I ended up emailing them instead. Why? I don't know; I just couldn't bring myself to make that phone call. I told myself last summer that I would study for the GRE once a week at least for the entire school year. Fall quarter came and went, no studying. Winter quarter I promised I would study GRE material at least two hours a week. Two measly hours. Did I get it done? No. This quarter, I've hardly worked on my vocabulary at all, and I haven't even touched the math section. Better, but not by much. I've been meaning to apply to veterinary offices since last spring quarter. I applied to one and sent my resume in to another in August. Nada. I haven't done anything since. These are things that I absolutely need to do in order to be a competitive candidate for veterinary school. I know that, and still nothing.

Thinking about veterinary school and all I need to do and everything I haven't done, I freak out. I tell myself my GPA at 3.53 is not good enough [average to Davis is 3.42 (only 3.28 bio GPA; I have 3.74) and 3.25 for Western]. I need 500 hours animal experience for Western (have ~90) and 180 hours veterinary experience for Davis (have none). I should score 493 verbal and 631 math or higher on the GRE for Western, and higher than that for Davis. Still, no studying. I need at least two letters of recommendation - one from a professor (I'm thinking Professor Bradley, but I have no time to get to know him better) and one from a veterinarian, minimum. I'm going to try to get one from the zoo, but I don't know if they'll do it. All of this goes through my head in about 3 seconds and I go into huge freak out mode and berate myself for not getting things done and often end up on the verge of tears, if not actually crying.

Oftentimes, unwanted thoughts intrude on my mind and won't leave me alone. If I'm driving, I'll think, "If I don't turn the exact right amount right now, I could go careening off the road and get seriously injured, or die." I don't know why this happens, but it's not uncommon. I don't freak out over it; I just try to push the thought away, but it always ends up coming back to me when I'm in a similar situation. I'm not suicidal. I've never given any amount of serious thought to ending my life. I like being alive, even if things aren't always going so well. I don't know why this happens, but I want it to stop. Now.  

I don’t know when all of this started. I don’t know why. I’m just tired of it and I want it to go away so I can function like a normal person. Funny thing is, talking about all this just makes me feel like I’m being stupid. I feel like I’ve blown everything out of proportion and made a bigger deal of it that it really is. My problems really aren’t that bad, are they? Or is this just anxiety from recognizing that I have anxiety issues?

halp, plz

Feb. 23rd, 2009 07:19 pm
nohanii: (Default)
I posted 11 days ago about having to schedule an apointment for the dreaded yearly exam. I still have not done it. It's been on my mind pretty constantly for about two months, and I have yet to actually do anything about it; I always get anxious and squicky-feeling in my girly bits whenever I think about it. I heard recently that the FDA states that a pelvic exam is actually not necessary and has very little to do with safely prescribing hormonal birth control -- the only mandatory test is for blood pressure. I have also been told that a healthy woman under 30 years of age can get the exam once every two years: "The difference in relative risk of an important lesion progressing to invasive disease between two- or three-year screening intervals compared with a one-year interval is significant; however, it is important to note that the probability of disease is quite small even among women screened every three years." And the "USPSTF states that there is insufficient evidence to recommend for or against bimanual pelvic examination in asymptomatic women at increased risk of developing ovarian cancer" (great because it creeps me out and makes me feel even more violated**). Apparently, the entire exam is up to me, though doctors conveniently forget to mention that and insinuate that it is required in order to obtain birth control. LIES.

Even knowing all this, I get really anxious thinking about it. My heart feels funny now, like it's in my throat and there's a hole in my chest where it's supposed to be. I'm afraid that I'll be denied my birth control if I schedule a normal apointment with my general practitioner and that they'll try to force the exam on me. I also feel like if I
 get the exam but insist they skip parts (like the bimanual), they'll refuse to write the prescription because I didn't submit to the entire thing. I'm at the point where I don't know if that's a rational thought or not. I only have a few days left in my pills, then the placebo week. I have no more refills lift, and my previous gyno is a dick and won't give me a refill unless I go into the office, presumably for the exam, which I DO NOT WANT. It's been suggested that I schedule the apointment and ask for a Valium or other sedative to take beforehand, but I feel like it will be even more of a violation if I'm out of it during the exam. 

**Somebody mentioned elsewhere that this could indicate that I was sexually abused at some point. I have no memory of anything like that ever happening, and don't believe that this is the case. 

Damnit, my arm still hurts. Bursitis has been acting up for two days straight. This is unprecedented and annoying.


nohanii: (Default)

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