nohanii: (Default)
[personal profile] nohanii
Note: This post may be considered TMI for some, but it's my blog and I need to talk about this. If you're uncomfortable with talk about sex, just skip it

I started taking birth control pills in December 2004, when I was 17. I'd been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and we'd been sexually active for the last few months. (Read: Fucking like ridiculously horny rabbits.) We had discovered that condoms actually factually suck, and neither of us wanted a baby while we were still in high school, so I talked to my doctor about starting the birth control pill. She wholeheartedly agreed.* She even helped me explain to Mom that it would help ease my debilitating menstrual cramps as well as control my acne better (it actually wasn't that bad by that time, but who wants even one zit?). Mom agreed because she had seen how bad my cramps could get -- I distinctly remember Gabe practically carrying me home because I could barely walk, then curling up on the recliner and crying because it hurt so badly while he and Mom made me tea, got Tylenol, and tried to calm me down because it hurt like fuck. So, in December 2004, I started taking Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo. From that point on, I had very few problems and even fewer worries about pregnancy.

*My Dr. sounds great here, but she's not. I'm grateful for her help back then, but I'm 98% positive that my issues with the yearly pelvic exam stem from my very first exam with her -- cold, clinical, and extremely uncomfortable and awkward.

Now I have always had a very strong libido. I don't remember discovering my "special place." It seems like I've always known it was there, and it felt good, and it was ~naughty. My first really serious boyfriend, Gabe, and I fucked like rabbits. Every chance we got, we would be doing something. Watching a movie? Hand job under the blanket. Helping him with "homework"? Oral sex. Got out of school early? Run to his place to fuck. In short, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. But then in fall 2005, I moved away to college and we broke up. Soon after that, I started seeing Dan.

Dan has driven me crazy since the moment I first saw him in our dorm. Within two months of meeting, we were dating. Given our new-found freedom from parental oversight, Dan and I were "doing it" 1 to 3 times a day, literally for hours on end. If Gabe and I had trouble keeping our hands off each other, Dan and I were hopeless. Then, starting in ~2007, three years into taking the Pill, my libido started to crash. We went from having sex 1-3 times a day to 1-3 times a week then to 1-3 times a month, if that. Even when we had our own apartment after graduating, we barely ever had sex or played with each other. The thought of sex rarely occurred to me. Sometimes Dan would want it so badly that I would give it to him, even though I had no interest. It got so bad that sometimes the idea of him, or anyone else, touching me in that way seemed abhorrent.

I never once felt like it was his fault. I knew it was me. At the same time, I was feeling rather down on myself. I'd been unemployed for months, despite the fact that I applied to over 70 jobs in just 3 months. That feeling improved when I finally found a job, but returned in full force just weeks later when I realized just how much my job sucked. I was embarrassed to admit that I worked at a doggie daycare. With my degree, I felt like it was beneath me. The only thing that kept me there was my desperate need for money so I could pay my rent. I looked for other jobs, but there were none to be found during the recession. I felt worthless, like a failure. I felt like the last 4 years of my life, all that effort and money spent on college, had been a waste. Few things interested me. I spent most of my time online or watching shows and movies via Netflix and Hulu.

Due to graduating in June 2009, I lost my health insurance. By February 2010, my BC Rx ran out. Without health insurance, I couldn't afford to go to the doctor for my yearly exam, and they absolutely refused to refill my script without the exam. So, I made the decision to stop taking the Pill.

Within a month of stopping the Pill, my interest in sex returned. I couldn't get enough of Dan. I wanted it more than I had in a long, long while, and I wanted to share it with Dan. It was wonderful, except for the increased worry over possible pregnancy. And the re-discovery that condoms fucking suck.

Then the health care bill passed, and I was able to get back on my parents' health insurance. I decided to go back on the Pill to reduce the risk of pregnancy. I thought that was that. And then my libido crashed. Again. By October of this year, I was sick and tired having no interest in sex. I missed it (even though I wasn't interested? How does that work?), and it wasn't fair to Dan. I figured, Why be on birth control if I'm not having sex anyway? So, I made the oh-so-responsible decision to quit. I have been birth control free for the last 3 months, and my libido has once again started to return. I'm nowhere near as horny as I used to be, but my libido is better than it was, and that's what matters.

Now Dan and I are researching our other birth control options. Condoms don't work for us, because quite honestly, they just don't fit him. They are all too small, even the ones made for larger men, and they all reduce sensation far too much. I've considered getting an IUD, but it will be a painful procedure since I have never given birth. I looked into the implant, but it's hormonal and might screw with my libido. (Though it is a progestin, not an estrogen. Estrogen dampens sex drive and progesterone is thought to improve it, but I've read customer reports that their libidos have died, so I'm a bit leary of it.) Aside from sterilization (NO) and abstinence (oh HELL NO), the implant and the IUD are the most effective methods of birth control, then the Pill/patch/ring. I'm leaning towards the implant, though I have to talk to a doctor about it.

So that's where I am. Although this is a mess right now, I am feeling better than I have in awhile. I'm happy that I stopped the Pill, and I absolutely will NOT use another BC containing estrogen.

Has anyone else had this problem? What did you do about it? What method of BC do you use now? Other than "I'm LGBT so I don't have to worry about it! Haha stupid straight people =P" (I'm looking at YOU, Kelly and Geena!)
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